Insecurities, Fear and Love

I was awake in my bed just a few seconds ago praying and felt that I needed to come and get this off my chest/share it with you. Here 'tis.

I was thinking about personality types and fear. Sometimes I think people (like me) who have quite... 'loud' personality types often struggle with a certain type of insecurity/fear. I was lying in my bed thinking that one of my greatest fears is that people at my work will one day turn around, take a look at me and say:

"What are you even doing in this profession? You are a fraud and you really have no idea what you're doing!"

I present a certain facade in the classroom, which is a necessary thing when I am teaching, and I present a certain facade in the professional arena for my colleagues. Perhaps 'facade' is an inaccurate word; perhaps it is more accurate to say that I exaggerate certain aspects who I am.

But the thing is this: I don't know everything about teaching. I make a lot of things up. Sometimes, on the spot. I 'ad lib' some of my classes. Sometimes, I throw what I had planned for the following term out the window and plan a terms worth of work in the classroom on the spot. Not just this though, but I am almost waiting for someone to come out of somewhere and tell me that I don't do yard duty 'right', I don't speak to students 'right', I don't interact with colleagues 'right', I don't plan curriculum 'right' and they now see the other parts of who I am and have decided that I am a totally inept member of the teaching profession.

Then I remembered something...

It wasn't actually me who made me join the teaching profession. Time and time again, I have had confirmation beyond my own powers that God has me exactly where He wants me. If that is true, then whether I should be allowed in a classroom or not is not something that I have to worry about at all. Apparently, God seems to think that I am suited to this job, or he wouldn't have put me here in the first place. Apparently, He has given/is giving me the skills that I need to be a blessing to my students and workplace.

I let the truth of that wash over me as I lay in bed. I was reminded of the verse:

"A perfect love casts out all fear" (1 John 4:18).

I imagined that God's truth and perfect love was entering into my body from toe to head, pushing the fear out as it moved powerfully through.

I am very glad that I offered God the choice of what profession I would enter into, because now I can trust him that as long as I am diligent, I don't need to be afraid of being 'exposed'.