Evil Overlords
It has recently been pointed out to me that my real calling in this world is to be an Evil Overlord, sending my pretties (ie. oversized nazi-pigeons) out to conquer the world (thankyou Martin).
Martin started up a list of tips for me in my budding proffession (my current studies in teaching should compliment this perfectly), and so I believe it was appropriate to devote another post to the topic to do it justice, and for other people to add their friendly, diabolical advice.
Martin's tips were:
- EOs must always wear intimidating medieaval stick up collars
- If Eos need corrective lenses, they will ALWAYS be in Monocle form and glint malevelently.
- EOs always say: ' Muhahaha... You fool, you fell for my little trap.
- EOs NEVER kill an heroic victim outright, but rather set up a complex trigger mechanism hich will end them FIENDISHLY in THREE MINUTES.
- EOs ALWAYS tell their heroic victim their WWHOLE PLOT knowing they can NEVER escape!
- At 2 minutes 58 seconds, the Hero MUST be allowed to escape.
What are the other ones? I really need to take a crash course in this if I'm to start breeding pigeons and crazy plots soon...
posted by Dboy @ Thursday, July 21, 2005
18 Insightful Contributions
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18 Comments:
You need atleast 2 sidekicks that you can blame when things go wrong.
A lair! You need a lair. The down stairs of your parents house should do just fine.
Oooo! Sidekicks! Yes yes!
Paul, you can be one. You can be known as Peebody, and right now it's your fault that I have to work tonight until 12am.
Martin, you're my other sidekick. You can be known as Pastey, and right now it's your fault that the oversize pigeons aren't multiplying. Get to work!
Mmmmmm, lair. I want stalactites, and musty smells, and a pool with sharks with lazer beams!
Yay! I'm a sidekick! Do i get any benefits? Other than free use of the pleasure devices......err.....um i mean pain devices.
You want stactites and a musty smell huh? How about the bat cave! I'm not sure where it it but batman can't keep it hidden from me for long! I will find out batman! I will unmask you!
Yes, Peebody, you may use any and all of the pleasure... er, PAIN devices at any time. You may also cover yourself in manure from my manure pile I've been saving up.
Hmmm, Batcave... Yes... An evil plan is hatching in my diabolical mind...
I found what city batman lives in master, Gothham city. The only problem is, i cant find it on any of the maps! They must of hidden it, like.....like atlantis! Sneaky batman.
How can I be involved in the whole evil overlord thing? Can I be the dumb secretary who screws things up but you keep me around for some unknown unexplained reason?
Those sneaky Gotham hiding men of good! We will get them! MuhahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA HA! HA! ah....
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahah... ha... oh geez...
MUHAHAHA! Oh... that was great...
Yes! Meagan! You shall be known as 'Bruce' the security guard who always gets beaten up by the good guys. And when you're knocked out, you get back up again, like, 5 times, and they can't kill you cos if you keep getting up again it prolongs the fight sequence. And there's, like, five of you.
Master, i do believe we need a name. If we.......err...i mean you are going to conquer the world our.....um.....your organization needs a evil, yet cool name.
Ah master, ah, how to say this without you feeding me to the sharks, the sharks with laser beams on their heads, but bruces 'other' name is megan not......ah.....meagan. PLEASE DON'T HURT ME MASTER!!!!!
Strike a light! Don't you guys do anything but post all day?? How the heck will youse conqeur anything??
Here's another couple of tip for EOs:
NEVER turn into a giant snake in a fit of pique - it NEVER helps.
Your Crack troops must ALWAYS take at least THREE shots to hit their target, and then only to wound not kill.
When finally confronted by your heroic nemesis - who you MUST allow to escape from your evil clutches, you must turn out to be lily livered coward who pleads quiveringly for mercy, because you've always been misunderstood. AND you fight like a girl!
You love black, long pleated gowns
You must have a huge lever, usually red,on you main console, that when pulled down activates the coundown for the huge mega-kill missile programmed in the hold below. Sirens will sound, and smoke must billow when it is pulled
Huge countdown levers and the even larger countdown clocks will always be paused three seconds before laubnch of said missile, so don't bother with them
therevhead
PS. Who is martin? Why is he pastey? And I for one defy you, and ALL you stand for Dboy. The more you tighten your grasp, the more star systems will slip through it.
Who is peebody? And I'm very excited that someone can spell my name!
It is i, paulus! Mighty Evil Lord has blessed me with a new name. What ever he asks of me, i will do in a slightly stupid fashion, as befitting my role in things.
Not only do we need to find a lair master, but we need a big robot or tank or, or just something real big!
YES!! A huge, metallic - but homemade looking tank. No mufflers, creaky, ominous noises, lots of smmoke, and a MASSIVE barrel.
AND, Peabody, if you are the minion/sidekick who pilots it, you MUST wear those leather flying goggle things from world war one movies... no option.
It has to be rusting, retro, black and made up out of spare parts (See warhammer mags for archetype). It derives its power to amaze and terrify by virtue of the fact thaat no one can believe it ACTUALLY works.
OH OH OH!!!! If we are going to be a really evil organisation run by our very evil evil-overlord, then we need at least one deliberately bad musical number! Can it be monty python style?!!
Which Paul are you paulus?
You mean to say that there are other people called paul!? Impossible! I'm the only one! Where are these impostors? How dare they use my most holy name! Master! We must track down these fakes and......ah, do something unpleasant to them. Where are the dogs, the dogs with bees in their mouths that shoot the bees when they bark? Where are they!?
Yes! A robot! A big massive robot! I will get to work on it immediately! It must be smokey and huge and... PINK! I mean black! With a flowing black cape! Yes! A huge robot with a black cape!
Noone can stop me now!!!
AARRGGHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!
I will build it with two sets of controls, so that both of my sidekicks, Peabody and Pastey, can drive it at once, thus creating the potential for them to fight over my favour and destroy the robot by driving it in different directions, and ruining my diabolical plan!
Hahaha!!!
I hereby declare that anyone else with the sacred name of Paul must have their name changed. I declare this with the fluttering of my black, long pleated gown and a manic cackle.
*cackle*
Oh! Meaggan, I mean Bruce, I will create another thread on which you can post your ideas for our really, really evil and bad musical number.
I'm so up for it! How exciting!!!!
I'm still not sure which Paul this is...
This is the Paul that was my groomsman. Known him since Grade 1, and we went to Plenty Valley together, play tennis together, and are basically nemeses at every game that ever was to be played. Bowling included.
You may have met him, but maybe not. I not sure. He came to church for quite some time in 2001, but I think you were at Rosanna Baps then.
Hooray for new stuffs!
I shall check it out :)
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